Alpine Mummy

A new life in the middle of nowhere

How to get a job after maternity leave

4 Comments

Looking for an example cover letter to jettiston you into that new career following a little bit of “time off” (ahem) after having kids? Look no further! Just shamelessly cut and paste Alpine Mummy’s model letter below, and that dream job is yours.  Guaranteed. *

Here’s a motivational pic of a mountain to set the aspirational mood…

Dear Sir or Madam,

(I hope you’re a Madam. One who’s had kids and doesn’t believe I’ve merely been on holiday for the past few years.)

I was delighted to come across your advert for the position of CEO in this week’s edition of Nappy Changers’ Weekly. I am writing to apply for this most interesting and exciting role, to which I am particularly suited.

I am a highly motivated individual, with a large number of technical and managerial skills which would be great assets in this role.  I am a particular expert in contractual negotiations, for example, as demonstrated daily when persuading my direct reports to eat something (anything!) which doesn’t contain chocolate or pesto. I would be very pleased to attend an interview to show you these skills (which mostly include counting to five and threatening to bin Barbies).

Similarly, my problem-solving skills are second to none.  In my current role of Chief Hospitality, Nourishment and Scary-Bollocking Officer within a thriving and fast-paced environment, I am well known as the ‘go to’ person for all (and I mean all) queries and conflicts.  I consistently demonstrate an exceptional ability to resolve internal disagreements over who said what first and whether it was he or she wot started it, whilst simultaneously answering technical questions on how the universe is made, where missing pyjama bottoms might be currently be found, and why it is not acceptable to eat one’s bogies.  Those whom I manage know that I have the answers: they give me their trust, their hopes and dreams, and their used tissues (even when they’re standing next to a bin).

I am an expert multi-tasker, and know this would be invaluable in the role of CEO. I can conduct in-depth interviews, wipe bottoms, make dinner, prevent severe injury arising out of health and safety lapses, update my Facebook status and scream at the cat, all at the same time (hygiene permitting). In my mind at least, I do so with a continual air of calm authority (which isn’t always solely down to gin).

I know this is not a ‘nine-to-five’ role. This is fine. My body and mind have been trained over a number of years to function on minimal sleep. Whilst I accept that the position advertised might be unlikely to demand vomit-or urine-related clean-up operations at 3.30am, you can rest assured that the experience I have gained in such areas, and through being on-call 24 hours a day non-bloody-stop for the last seven years, mean I would think nothing of mopping up some managerial fall-out at the drop of a hat. I could do it in my sleep in fact. If I ever slept.

I haven’t yet mentioned what I would bring to this role in terms of organisational skills (exceptionally important in my current role where I ensure, for example, that supplies of toilet roll and wine never run out, and that no junior team members ever find themselves left alone in the cold waiting for a lift after Monday night’s music class because it was someone else’s turn to pick them up, wasn’t it…?).  I look forward to hearing from you to discuss these and my other skills and achievements in more detail.  My contact details are below – if I don’t pick up the phone please do try again as it is highly likely that I am in the middle of managing an industrial dispute, or I am preventing someone from drowning their sister.

Yours sincerely, and ever hopefully (please give me a job because I have to get away from these screaming kids…)

Alpine Mummy

 

Successful conflict-management

Successful conflict-management

 

* Actually… Results not guaranteed. Product untested. Alpine Mummy accepts no liability for any loss or damage arising from the use, authorised or otherwise, of any documents or suggested drafting techniques within this post. Terms and conditions apply. Consume in moderation. Your house may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments. Blah blah blah.

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Author: Alpine Mummy

Now an ex-City lawyer, I gave up London life 'just for a year' to spend my maternity leave in a tiny village in the French Alps. Nearly three years later Alpine Family is still here - the legal career is gone but we're living the dream (most of the time) and skiing and hiking our way through life. Walks and fresh air are now the order of the day - bye bye smog, hello mountains...

4 thoughts on “How to get a job after maternity leave

  1. Hehehe – just perfect. I have saved it to my computer under the file “Employment Materials”. 🙂

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    • I should let you know that I am working on commission, by the way, just like any (un)scrupulous employment agent would. When you have landed that dream job thanks to shameless copying and pasting of my handiwork, please do let me know so I can fleece a large amount of money from you. I look forward to hearing from you… 😉

      Like

  2. Hahaa love it thank you!

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